Classic(ally Bad) TV Commercials: Getting Creepy at Shakey’s
I add this newest addition to our Classic(ally Bad) collection: a 1970 spot for the legendary Shakey’s Pizza restaurant.
First a brief history lesson on Shakey’s since you probably don’t know about the joint. Shakey’s was started by Sherwood “Shakey” Johnson and Ed Plummer in Sacramento, California, in 1954. It started out like any other pizza/beer restaurant but with an added twist: Shakey would perform Dixieland jazz music to entertain the crowd. Within 10 years Shakey’s was a national chain, and by the time the two founders sold their share of the organization in the late 60s, Shakey’s had become an international chain. Now there are only 62 stores in the United States (most in California) with a couple hundred more found primarily in Asia. I am now pinning the downfall of Shakey’s on this commercial.
We start with the beautiful Kathy Coleman, known best a few years later for her role of Holly Marshall on the Saturday morning classic “Land of the Lost”, playing the role of Goldilocks. Judging by the putty-like thickness of the porridge she’s eating, I can’t blame her for going out for pizza. Despite having tremendous appetites, the three bears sure made some crappy porridge. So out the door she goes, stepping into the wild and wacky world of Shakey’s.
Shakey’s is indeed shaky with a bad edit right after the studio singers shout “SHAKEY’S!” Then we see a delicious looking pizza dished up by a creepy man with a handlebar mustache that would make Rollie Fingers blush. My stomach is turning not just because the pizza looks like it’ll give me three days of heartburn, but also because most people should be alarmed when the fat man with the greasy mustache starts enticing a young girl with food and dancing. Where are this girl’s parents? First she’s hanging out with the three bears, now she’s hanging out with a guy whose mugshot is probably on a website somewhere.
Then with perfect delivery, and an even more perfect smile and gold curls, Goldilocks let’s us know she’s having fun. Well good… but OH CRAP! THE BEARS ARE THERE TOO! RUN! HIDE! THE CARNIVOROUS CREATURES HAVE GIVEN UP THEIR PORRIDGE FOR AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD GIRL! But wait! The bears are eating that scary guy’s pizza too! And they’re singing! Oh fun for everyone! But not nearly as fun as a free Frisbee, which brings me to the creepiest part of the commercial.
First, the production values of the Frisbee tag are awful. Clearly this commercial was tagged by the lowest bidder, probably a man with a Radio Shack mike in his basement. And that’s probably where he got this picture from– his basement. Who is this girl? And why did she bring a Frisbee to her Olan Mills photo shoot? Come to think of it, I think I saw this photo in Soul Asylum’s video for “Runaway Train”. Somebody call Crime Stoppers if you’ve seen her! She was last seen with three bears and a “person of interest” dressed as a barbershop quartet singer!
As for the Frisbee… IT SPINS! IT FLOATS! IT FLIES! Really?!? Who won the lottery?!? Mom, dad, let’s get to Shakey’s, pronto!
