Classic(ally Bad) Commercials: Coffee Rocks!
Think of the people you know in your life. How many of them drink coffee every day? How many drink coffee at least three or four times a week? Do you really see a need for a commercial encouraging people to drink more coffee? Apparently in 1982, there was a shortage of people main-lining coffee so the National Coffee Association sprung in to action!
Somewhere in my collection of dusty VHS tapes from 1984 is a recording of TBS‘ “Night Tracks” with this commercial starring Cincinnati Bengals’ quarterback Ken Anderson. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a You Tube version of that video handy, but that’s okay. While I thought it was absurd that a Pro Bowl quarterback would credit coffee for his success instead of his God-given athletic talent, the notion that the rock band Heart decided to tour again in the 80s was driven by coffee was just laughable.
Before we get to Heart, our dreams of where our various heroes get their talent are dashed from the very beginning when we see Cicely Tyson, Anderson, Heart, Kurt Vonnegut, and a female news anchor I unfortunately can’t identify clearly rising to the top of their fields because they got a jolt of caffiene every morning from coffee. In another coffee commercial the list of stars who owe everything they have earned to coffee includes David Bowie. But back to Heart…
After a couple of smash albums in the 1970’s, and a few lawsuits because of them, what caused Ann and Nancy Wilson to get back and tour in 1982? COFFEE! Of course! We see Ann downing a cup right before she hits the stage! What’s really amazing is while other rockers of their era took amphetamines or cocaine to get up, Heart just needed a little Dunkin Donuts java to get them going for the big show! Unfortunately for Ann, she was probably washing down a box of donuts with that coffee before show time. I have to give her credit for eventually losing a lot of that weight, while also having the most incredible bladder on the face of the earth since she didn’t have to pee four songs into her set after all of that coffee.
With the realization coffee can’t be credited for the fast times of every superstar in the book, the editors of this spot cut to a shot of a marathon runner, a piano player, and another shot of Anderson (probably thinking, “My team would be sooooo much better if they all drank coffee!”) before the creme de la creme of the commercial at the very end.
Ann Wilson, in true 80’s form, exits from a limo to let us know that coffee indeed keeps “Rockin!”
So the next time you’re drinking a cup of Joe four hours after drinking many cups of Jose (Cuervo), just remember you are a coffee achiever! Now go get ‘em tiger!
