Classic(ally Bad) TV Commercials: Nice Buns… Err… Crescent Rolls!
Let’s travel back to 1983 as we visit a simpler time in America, a time where romance could get started with a simple plate of crescent rolls. We now present a commercial from Pillsbury that is so loaded with awfulness, you can sop it up with a biscuit!
Now a nice, hot tray of crescent rolls makes any dinner taste better. But I have to admit I’ve never had my “dough rise” because of them, if you know what I mean. As for our awkward 80’s couple, obviously they’ve dated a few times before because no woman in her right mind would just show up at a guy’s apartment on the first date. Then again, any woman in her right mind probably wouldn’t succumb to her sexual fantasies because of an 89-cent can of dough. The woman, who we shall call “Vicky” because she looks like a chunky version of former “Saturday Night Live” actress Victoria Jackson, arrives at her boyfriend’s apartment just in time for dinner (which she refers to as “foreplay” for some reason). Her boyfriend, who we shall call “Cousin Larry” because he looks too much like Mark-Linn Baker, is a bit overdressed for the occasion. Dude… you’re in your own home! Lose the coat! If that was only the biggest problem these two have.
After we watch the rolls plump up, we watch Vicky salivating in the kitchen as Cousin Larry starts making the salad. Cousin Larry is wearing a “Kiss the Cook” apron, tossing salad, and she’s getting all hot and bothered for the hot and buttered crescent rolls. If late night movies on Cinemax would only be so quick in getting to the love scenes like this commercial I might actually spring the $9.95 for the network. But back to our cuddly cuties, and it’s quite obvious Cousin Larry hasn’t been with a woman that often. Larry barely spits out the phrase, “Pillsbury crescent rolls” and you can clearly see he’s getting week in the knees. He’s probably in shock because he won’t be able to use his smooth lines or that bottle of Absolut to woo her. He’s probably thinking, “I got her with the crescent rolls! Cha-ching!”
Even though Cousin Larry is a virgin, he’s no dummy. The next shot of the lovebirds features them at the dining room table… with nothing but crescent rolls and butter! BUTTER! Damn this guy knows how to lay on the charm! Then comes the very odd, googley-eyed, and somewhat phallic munching of the crescent rolls. Vicky is laying into each bight so heavy, Cousin Larry nearly spills his batter. Then in a nicotine and bourbon tone only Suzanne Pleshette could love, Vicky comes on to Cousin Larry by demanding for more crescent rolls! More crescent rolls?!? Please… I am not from Havana! We close with the Pillsbury Dough Boy chuckling, not because he was poked in the belly but because he is being a voyeur and watching our two appetizer lovers having really nasty sex. And before you say there’s no such thing as really nasty sex, just remember these two got riled up by crescent rolls so there’s not a whole lot of human interaction prior to this date. Whatever you do, don’t eat the pie in Cousin Larry’s fridge… it may have a hole in the crust.
Crescent rolls are now little pockets of carbohydrates, those sweet little somewhat dirty treats next to your grilled chicken breast and green beans. But 25 years ago, they were much dirtier and much sexier. And God knows how many kids were born all because of that damn dough boy’s delightfully devilish pastries.
