The Affari Edge Blog

It was 1983, and MTV was sweeping the nation. So how do we get more kids to drink milk? Why, by doing a parody of a popular music video, of course! It’s advertising milk, but this is all cheese.

The National Dairy Board, as well as other national and state milk boards, has come up with some great ad campaigns over the last 20 years oh so. “Milk, it does the body good” and “Got milk?” are two of the best campaigns ever made for a product we all need but don’t necessarily like. Before those gems though came this turd, an idea that I can probably pinpoint exactly how it came to be thanks to all of my years in the broadcasting business.

As I mentioned earlier, MTV was gaining in popularity as music videos captivated a mostly young audience of soon-to-be wealthy 18 to 34-year-olds. Even though milk is force-fed to students at every level of public schooling here in the United States, once you get to about the 7th or 8th grade it’s just not cool to drink that stuff. In the late 1980’s, the “Milk, it does the body good” campaign emphasized milk’s ability to build strong and healthy bones. Basically, girls would like you if you drank your milk because they’d think you’re hot. Before getting down to science though, the National Dairy Board tried to be cool. That’s the biggest mistake any advertiser can make.

This was clearly the brainchild of some uptight white guy who was 42 or 43-years-old at the time. He saw his kids were watching MTV, and probably an Adam Ant video, and while they were singing and dancing to the video the light bulb went off in his head. “HEY!”, he thought. “If my kids are singing and dancing to ‘Goody Two Shoes’, then they will drink their milk if we do a jingle that sounds like this song!” Uptight white guy tells his co-workers and decision makers at the National Dairy Board, who are even more white and uptight, and they buy into the deal. So a commercial is born!

And what a commercial it was, with some Fonzie-like (again, totally out of touch with pop culture in 1983) kid leading the dancing troupe of geeks and spazzes in the lunch line into a full Broadway performance about milk. The 1980’s were already an awkward, fashion-challenged decade for kids. Having them kick up their high heels probably didn’t help their self-esteem (unless they wanted to join New Order in the first place). Having the Fonz do the ultra-“Fame” head jerk at the end pushes this spot way over the top, and more than likely had kids thinking “Yeah… like I’m really gonna drink that stuff now!”.

So the next time you’re at the lunch counter getting your burger and fries, make sure you do a little song and dance when you ask for milk! Then you can do an encore number about ordering a banana split to the tune of “Stand and Deliver”.

AYE MATEYS! It’s time to go back to a day when a sailor smelled like a sailor, and nerdy men couldn’t get enough of that smell! Let’s view this gender-bending gem from 1971 for Old Spice cologne.

Now this spot really is a throwback compared to cologne commercials of today. Thanks mostly to Calvin Klein in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, cologne and perfume commercials became film noir works of art, often making you wonder what the hell they were advertising as waifs danced and/or pouted while spouting out the name of the product. In 1971, it was simple to advertise for cologne. A man comes home from his work (in this case a sailor comes back from the sea), he of course smells great with his Old Spice so he and his lady friend decide to have a great night on the town. But what’s this? It’s a secret admirer following the couple around!

And he’s not just any secret admirer, he’s a freaking CREEPY secret admirer! For one, he looks an awful lot like Mark David Chapman. Another eerie issue here is the nerdy young stalker clearly has a thing for the sailor and not for the buxom brunette around the sailor’s arm. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, to borrow a line from “Seinfeld”, but I’m not exactly sure this is the best way to sell your product. You’re trying to convince the average man that by putting on this foul-smelling Old Spice, you can pull any talent like our big buff sailor can here. Apparently there’s an inherit danger of also pulling “talent” in the form of a 20-something geek who knows “The Wizard of Oz” by heart and watches it on a small black and white TV in a bedroom filled with stiff tube socks. I think I’ll stick with Jovan Musk, thank you.

The creepiness of our stalker is even creepier given where he is hiding out while watching his favorite stack of man meat… ERR… I mean that beautiful young woman the sailor is escorting around. First, he’s actually at the dock watching this guy get off the boat to meet his woman. Upon further review, a rather awkward young man with an afro and white tee shirt is standing behind our stalker checking HIM out! I’m starting to wonder if The Village People got the band started because of this commercial. Then our stalker goes to a high observation platform to eavesdrop on the couple’s lunch, standing erect when he realizes how big and tall the sailor is. He also stood straight up when he realized how big and tall the sailor was.

After walking dangerously close to the couple throughout Chinatown, our gruff sea salt finally chases the stalker away by throwing a bottle of Old Spice at him. The sailor thinks he’s doing the young man a favor by sharing the scent he uses to attract women with. The nerd is so flattered to have something touched by a seaman, he observes the bottle is somewhat conical in shape and I’m sure he’ll wind up in the emergency room that night after “accidentally” falling on to the bottle causing him to impale his rectum.

And as for the tag line here, is Old Spice really the reason why women have patiently waited for their men to return from the sea? Or is it because their men have been at the sea for six months and they want a little something something after all of those lonely nights? Old Spice may be an elixir for some people, but I have a hunch it’s the latter of the two. And knowing full well that the crabs come in on the captain’s dinghy, I’m sure these ladies aren’t the only sirens the sailor boys are coming home to.

Old Spice… it’s old and smells like rotten spice, but it’ll help the sailor in you bring home the catch of the day. Just be warned the “catch” may be a young man who carries his own butter knife.

We all know Tang got a big boost in sales from NASA in the 1960’s and 1970’s, but a lesser-known space-inspired product is this wonderfully mysterious stick of stuff known as “Space Food Sticks”.

It was 1968, and with NASA inching closer and closer to landing man on the moon, anything somehow associated with the space program was a hot item. In this case, Pillsbury contracted with NASA to make healthy energy snacks for the astronauts, and this is what they came up with. The sticks were basically Slim-Jim-shaped energy bars with the texture of a Tootsie Roll. Some people absolutely loved the chocolate, caramel, or peanut butter flavoring while one You Tube commenter described it as tasting like “flour and water”. Mmmmm…. yummy!

What’s most interesting about this commercial, other than reminding us that anything associated with the space race would sell back then, is the crude special effects. Since Pillsbury was working with NASA, couldn’t they use NASA footage of a rocket launch or a space walk? What’s the deal with all of the Buck Rogers effects? In the opening shot you can practically see the string holding up the lunar rover. And since when does an astronaut eat his food with his helmet on? What kind of clod does that? And if you don’t believe an astronaut crams these things into his helmet for a snack, then why not believe this kid or football player or working mom? Hey wait a minute… why isn’t the football player eating this with his helmet on?

After showing us a bunch of unhealthy snacks your kids shouldn’t be eating (probably all Pillsbury products) the announcer tells us about the exciting “chewy” snacks as our model snaps one in two like it was a stick from an oak tree. Is this what Pillsbury calls chewy? A snack that goes “snap”? Yikes! No matter what the texture, consistancy, or taste of the space food stick, it was a hit with kids and managed to last a few years.

What’s even more amazing is the space food stick has made a comeback and even has a fanclub following. I guess everyone has their own favorite childhood memories, but this one escapes me. I was actually recently at the Kennedy Space Center gift shop and saw some these and my stomach turned. But to each their own, as I did end up purchasing astronaut ice cream and I know that tastes like flavored styrofoam. I just won’t eat it with a helmet on.

This commercial is a Central Florida legend, and it’s classic(ally bad) in a good way. Unlike other commercials you’ve seen on this website, Allied Discount Tires actually moved a lot of product with a lot of silliness, including this commercial from 1989.

Nowadays when someone is trying to sell you tires, you’re sold on several things: safety, dependability, and price. In the 80’s, it was a lot simpler. As the spokesman, Sam Behr, tells you, he’s the “Tires Ain’t Pretty” guy. That is the preface to our story here.

In 1977, an Orlando man named Stanley Hanin tried to make lemonade out of the lemons life threw at him when his failure of a motorcycle shop was converted into a tire store. After struggling to get off the ground, Behr helped him financially in two ways: he lent him money, and he became the voice and the face of Allied Discount Tires. Throughout the 80’s, legend has it, Behr and Hanin would have a couple of drinks and then turn a camera on to Behr where he would come up with some crazy ideas for a commercial. One local commercial after another was made, and a pseudo-legend was born when Behr one day blurted out on camera, “Tires ain’t pretty!” With that one line, Allied became a hit in Central Florida because the commercial was brutally honest. Tires ain’t pretty, but you need them.

Even though having Behr as a pitch man was making the business money, as time went on the commercials just got goofy (although not as goofy as Chuck Curcio got at Allied’s biggest competitor, Tire Kingdom). This commercial came at the end of the line for Allied with Hanin in charge (he sold the company in 1989), and Behr starts off with his brutal honesty. After a couple of martinis, it’s hard to sell tires. Tires don’t taste good, smell good, or make you look good, hence the reason why tires ain’t pretty. Then Behr goes off on one of his legendary, spontaneous rants.

You can’t have a tire taste test. Oh really? I’d like to see you try to have one! In a day and age where anyone can be famous on YouTube, I’m sure somebody would love to chew on some tread for 15 minutes of fame. Then Behr lets us know the guy installing the tire doesn’t get thanked. He has something here… other than the “thanks” you mutter under your breath after dropping $300 on a set of tires, when was the last time you hugged your mechanic for putting some tires on your car? But he comes back to Earth to remind us we need tires, and Allied is the place to buy them cheap. Then he lays down his most famous line ever, “YOU COME TO ALLIED DISCOUNT TAAAAAARRRRRRRSSSS!!!”

The cheese factor in these spots is high, but they were funny and like I said before they actually worked. Some worked too well, like Behr’s imitation of Oral Roberts in a 1987 ad claiming he had to sell 80,000 tires or he would die. Behr is now retired in Orlando, and he even had a daughter participate in season three of “The Apprentice”. Hanin is also retired, and has an estranged daughter who it turns out was a world famous spy for Mossad. Who knew all of this could start with a tire store?

So the next time you get tires on your car, don’t forget to chew on the rubber first, hug your mechanic for putting them on, and remember that “taaarrrrsss ain’t pretty”!

Time to jump back to the energy crisis of the late 70’s, and here to talk about your carburator in black is the Man in Black! Hello… I’m Johnny Cash!

I’d like to say this commercial went to the ad agency that was the lowest bidder, but even when Cash wasn’t at the top of the charts in the late 70’s like he often was in the 60’s, I don’t think he was a cheap hire for this spot which makes the cameo appearance a rather odd choice to say the least.

We start with the Man in Black sauntering out of nowhere to a gas station in the middle of nowhere. The man refueling his Griswold Family Truckster seems stunned to see Cash just standing there in the middle of the station, but he knows Cash means business. As soon as Cash chucks the bottle of STP gas treatment at him, the man complies and throws it right into his gas tank! Whether or not he actually believed it would help his mileage, or if he dumped it into his tank because he was afraid Cash would drink it before the day was through, is another issue for another time.

For a world-reknowned country star like Cash, he sure knows a lot about the inside of a car’s engine… even if he hasn’t filled up his own gas tank in 15 or 20 years. But the “everywhere man” shows us he’s an every day man by even closing the stranger’s gas tank cover. How nice! Now he can collect a tip from the stranger! I should try this every now and then. I think people would be more willing to give me a couple of bucks for my work instead of the oil companies with gas prices soaring.

Cash also shows us he’s a 1978 man, when he proudly tells us STP gas treatment is “easy to use” while acknowledging the woman filling up her tank behind him. That’s the way to set back the women’s liberation movement! Once you put that STP in the gas tank, go home and make me a sammich you stupid stupid woman!

So now we get to the denouement of the entire commercial, the big reason why Cash was hired in the first place. Sell the product Johnny! And he does, by saying, “STP gas treatment. It really helps… so try it.” That’s it? Try it? I guess this commercial did go to the lowest bidder… for advertising copy. The agency spent so much money garnering Cash’s services (and that gem of a jingle at the end) it had nothing left over when it came to actually writing dialogue for the client.

Somehow this commercial ended up on the cutting room floor during the production of “Walk the Line”. That’s a shame because I know Joaquin Phoenix spent days practicing the line; “It really helps… so try it!”