Classic(ally Bad) TV Commercials: Hey There Sailor!
AYE MATEYS! It’s time to go back to a day when a sailor smelled like a sailor, and nerdy men couldn’t get enough of that smell! Let’s view this gender-bending gem from 1971 for Old Spice cologne.
Now this spot really is a throwback compared to cologne commercials of today. Thanks mostly to Calvin Klein in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, cologne and perfume commercials became film noir works of art, often making you wonder what the hell they were advertising as waifs danced and/or pouted while spouting out the name of the product. In 1971, it was simple to advertise for cologne. A man comes home from his work (in this case a sailor comes back from the sea), he of course smells great with his Old Spice so he and his lady friend decide to have a great night on the town. But what’s this? It’s a secret admirer following the couple around!
And he’s not just any secret admirer, he’s a freaking CREEPY secret admirer! For one, he looks an awful lot like Mark David Chapman. Another eerie issue here is the nerdy young stalker clearly has a thing for the sailor and not for the buxom brunette around the sailor’s arm. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, to borrow a line from “Seinfeld”, but I’m not exactly sure this is the best way to sell your product. You’re trying to convince the average man that by putting on this foul-smelling Old Spice, you can pull any talent like our big buff sailor can here. Apparently there’s an inherit danger of also pulling “talent” in the form of a 20-something geek who knows “The Wizard of Oz” by heart and watches it on a small black and white TV in a bedroom filled with stiff tube socks. I think I’ll stick with Jovan Musk, thank you.
The creepiness of our stalker is even creepier given where he is hiding out while watching his favorite stack of man meat… ERR… I mean that beautiful young woman the sailor is escorting around. First, he’s actually at the dock watching this guy get off the boat to meet his woman. Upon further review, a rather awkward young man with an afro and white tee shirt is standing behind our stalker checking HIM out! I’m starting to wonder if The Village People got the band started because of this commercial. Then our stalker goes to a high observation platform to eavesdrop on the couple’s lunch, standing erect when he realizes how big and tall the sailor is. He also stood straight up when he realized how big and tall the sailor was.
After walking dangerously close to the couple throughout Chinatown, our gruff sea salt finally chases the stalker away by throwing a bottle of Old Spice at him. The sailor thinks he’s doing the young man a favor by sharing the scent he uses to attract women with. The nerd is so flattered to have something touched by a seaman, he observes the bottle is somewhat conical in shape and I’m sure he’ll wind up in the emergency room that night after “accidentally” falling on to the bottle causing him to impale his rectum.
And as for the tag line here, is Old Spice really the reason why women have patiently waited for their men to return from the sea? Or is it because their men have been at the sea for six months and they want a little something something after all of those lonely nights? Old Spice may be an elixir for some people, but I have a hunch it’s the latter of the two. And knowing full well that the crabs come in on the captain’s dinghy, I’m sure these ladies aren’t the only sirens the sailor boys are coming home to.
Old Spice… it’s old and smells like rotten spice, but it’ll help the sailor in you bring home the catch of the day. Just be warned the “catch” may be a young man who carries his own butter knife.
