Classic(ally Bad) TV Commercials: Newspapers! Right Where You Are!
Oh thank heaven for one of my favorite websites, Birmingham Rewound, for this gem from 1977. It’s from back in the day when newspapers were actually useful! And this charming couple apparently puts The Birmingham News to use for everything. They… just… can’t… live… without it!
Founded in 1888, The Birmingham News was (and still is) the top paper produced in Birmingham, Alabama. And before the days of the Internet ad 24-hour news channels, people were informed and entertained by what was in the newspaper. This couple, however, takes that too far as their copy of the News tells them what to do as if The Son of Sam was writing it himself.
We start in some trendy Birmingham mall where the man and woman are looking for something advertised in the paper, and we’re looking at the mall once they pass by the camera because someone forgot to move the camera. Or a more likely scenario, someone forgot to flesh this whole commercial idea out so we’re left with 25 seconds of material for a 30-second commercial. Time to stretch! Leave that establishing shot up for a few extra seconds, Phil! So after we ponder for a while staring at other shoppers milling about, we meet up with our wonderful couple again. They’ve found what they’re looking for: a giant orange tent! Oh wait, it’s 1977… that’s a dress! A really big, bright, orange dress! How tall is this woman? There must be eight feet of material on that hanger. In the meantime, our jingle singer tries to make us believe the News has a “passion for fashion” when clearly they don’t. It’s even more obvious they have no idea “what’s in and what’s out” as the woman laughs at her husband’s sports coat. Not that she has any room to laugh since just seconds ago she was fawning over a set of orange drapes she thought was a dress. I’m starting to wonder if perhaps the News convinced our old buddy Dick Reese where to buy his suits, but I digress…
Apparently our smitten couple have decided to purchase the Garfield outfit, and with the missus flaunting about the living room the poor husband reluctantly puts down his news paper so she can show off this fashion disaster in public. Honey! Let’s go to dinner! And they do, to a nice establishment that serves wine in three-gallon goblets. Reinforcing the idea there was only 25 seconds of material for this 30-second commercial, our lovers stare into each other’s eyes for waaaaaaay to long. Because the creator of this commercial couldn’t come up with anything better, these two have to mutter things back and forth like, “I love you”, “No really, I love you, I do”, and, “Are we done shooting this yet?” And then we fade to black, like most newspapers today are doing (although they’re going in the red, not black).
The News is still available when you are, even if you like to buy awful clothes and deliver sermons to your loved one while toasting your dinner at a fancy-schmantzy restaurant.
