The Affari Edge Blog

I know a lot has changed since 1984. And as this commercial will show you, a WHOLE LOT has changed in how diet soft drinks taste and how people get hooked up.

Hmmm… maybe I was doing it all wrong back in my dating life before I got married. Back then I would talk to women on the phone or online, meet them for dinner or drinks somewhere, and if things went well over the next few weeks we would become “an item”. I would use my charm, my knowledge, my sense of humor, my good looks, and a bunch of money on dinner, drinks, movies, etc., all for a piece of tail… err… a relationship. Who knew I could have just bought a 50-cent can of Diet Pepsi and made my life so much easier?

Who really picks up somebody because of a tasty can of diet soda? I’ve heard all sorts of interesting stories as to how people have met one another, but a can of soda? And it’s not like these two lovebirds just bumped into each other and spilled their soda on each other. This chick is getting all hot and bothered over this lunkhead drinking a Diet Pepsi. If that was how it was in real life, a 20-ounce bottle would have her calling out from work the next day. A 6-pack would induce a coma. A 12-pack would make Peter North wonder how you do it.

Just the idea of a woman fawning over a man because he drinks Diet Pepsi is crazy enough, but do you remember how crappy diet soda tasted back in 1984? Diet colas are fairly decent tasting now, and that’s the only soda I’ll ever drink if I HAVE to have a soda. All those carbs and corn syrup globs just aren’t preferable to my taste any more. But back in the 80’s I’d rather have drunk a 6-pack of sugary sweet regular Pepsi over that diet crap any day. Mostly because of NutraSweet, the artificial sugar of its day, tasted like pencil shavings. Unlike NutraSweet though, pencil shavings have yet to be linked to cancer so go ahead and carve up a number-two Ticonderoga over my soft drink, garcon!

So kids, you don’t need to stick a can of Diet Pepsi down your pants to impress the girls. You just have to walk around with one in your hand. They’ll jump on you so quickly, you’ll have to make sure you’ve brought the proper protection.

You know the price of food is climbing today. But did you know food is a major investment? And how do you protect any major investment? With plastic wrap and aluminum foil!

Now the woman who is purchasing all of these items seems to be a sensible woman. So why does she seem so shocked at how much it costs to buy some groceries? And why does she think plastic wrap or foil will save her food “investment” forever? Has she ever heard of Tupperware? Or maybe she should stop buying EVERYTHING wrapped in plastic!

Which brings us to her food selection. What is the deal with all of these fruits and vegetables? Granted, in 1983 there weren’t nearly as many processed frozen foods like there are today, but I think this woman eats nothing but salad and fruit cups. Perhaps that’s why she’s a little loopy when she sees the price adding up and she runs off to the tin foil pile. A lack of protein has made her a little weak in the brain! Put back the tomatoes and have a steak, woman!

Then comes the whole “investment” angle of this. Our voiceover guy is trying to get us to save money buy saving our food. Yet he says Reynolds products cost only a penny more per foot than “bargain” wraps. Well smart guy, that adds up! That box of aluminum foil is 25 feet long, and the plastic wrap is 100 feet long. That’s $1.25 or roughly a gallon of gas back then (which was very expensive as the world was coming down from an energy crisis). So where’s the wise investment? Why not buy non-perishables instead of stocking up on the entire produce department like this woman is?

When it comes down to it, foil and polastic wrap are simply that– foil and wrap. It’s not an investment saver, it just keeps that leftover hamburger meat safe to eat for a couple more days. Unless you’re going to wrap your house in plastic wrap or tin foil, you’re not protecting an investment. Then again if you wrap your house with plastic wrap or tin foil, you probably don’t get out much in the first place. Your house is probably still stacked with canned foods from your Y2K bunker.

Normally I have some witty lead-in to every Classic(ally Bad) blog, but I think this one speaks for itself.

I chose this commercial because it’s Father’s Day weekend. While the “average” Father’s Day gifts include ties, dress shirts, socks, and underwear, as boring as those gifts are at least they are useful. As for this magnetic wrist band… I don’t know.

The general idea is when dad has to fix something, he can assume the role of Superman. Always there with his tools, he just can’t use them properly without these magnetic wrist bands. So the next time he gets called, dad has his special wrist bands on so he can put them to good use! He hangs a hammer on his wrist! YAY! Nevermind the toilet is still broken and spilling water all over the place, at least dad can wow us with a hammer hanging off his wrist! Is this how Kreskin got started?

And what good does having a hammer on your wrist do anyways? It’s kind of hard to hammer something in when the hammer is just hanging off your wrist. And not every tool you use is metallic or magnetic, so how many injuries and foul-ups have been caused by some numbskull trying to hang something that wasn’t metallic off his wrist? Now this “super dad” is looking more and more like Monty Python’s “Bicycle Repair Man” sketch.

But you can get one 2-for-1 this weekend only! Now you can hang a hammer and a screwdriver on BOTH wrists! Or maybe you can get wacky and cram four wrenches on both wrists! The possibilities are endless! Try doing that with your gift necktie!

On the heels of one of the worst testimonial commercials, featuring a couple of nobodies selling color TVs, we’ll take a look at a legitimate star selling a (then) not-so-legitimate product.

The year was 1993, and “Sir” Charles Barkley was at the peak of his career and his commercial sellability. And at first, this commercial is actually very clever. In 1993, basketball shoes were all the rage and during the previous three or four years Americans were bombarded with commercials from Nike, Reebok, L.A. Gear, Adidas, and many other brands. So the, “here’s another shoe commercial…” line is pretty ingenious. The ensuing, “Oh this is new…” line is also good. Then we see the product– a Hyundai.

Nowadays Hyundais are actually decent, affordable cars. But up until five or six years ago, Hyundai was producing one undependable turd after another… and they had been doing so for almost 20 years. We’re instantly reminded about this as the voice-over (identified on You Tube as Jeff Goldblum) spouts off all the good things about the car. Written in small letters at the bottom of the screen; “ABS, CD, leather optional on GLS models”. So you not only had to ask for these bells and whistles, you had to ask for them on the GLS model!

Then comes the funniest line; “More room than a Lexus.” Really now… when you’re shopping for a car, when does the final decision come down to a Hyundai or a Lexus? When does somebody shopping for a Lexus, or a Lexus-style car, put the nearby Hyundai dealer on the list of places to shop? And since when does somebody in the market for a Hyundai think, “I should check out that Lexus dealer, where the much better cars sell for five times as this piece of crap!”

Then we reach out to our for the star power, Barkley’s cute thuggery we all came to respect and molded the current NBA after. The funny thing is Barkley would need a shoe horn to squeeze into an actual ‘93 Hyundai Sonata. Barkley was 6-foot-6 and 252 pounds! According to Edmunds, the Sonata had a front leg room of 42.4 inches while also having head room of 38.5 inches. Add that up, that’s 80.9 inches or just under 6 feet, 9 inches of space. I hope Sir Charles doesn’t drive over any speed bumps or pot holes.

While it seems laughable at the idea of Barkley driving around town in a Hyundai Sonata, based on reports of his recent gambling debts he may be doing just that today. So I suppose this may be one of the best testimonials for a product, as pathetic as that product may be.

And no Charles, I don’t have a problem with that!