The Affari Blog

These days the NOW! collection of top 40 hits dominates the market of “best of” collections. But before NOW!, before Napster, before you tape recorded your favorite songs off the radio, you had to get your favorite top 40 hits from the record company. And as this spot from 1973 points out, you had to get them from someone OTHER than the singer that sang them!

One of the first things you say in the first few seconds of the commercial is, “Hey… that wasn’t Elton John!” That’s the dirty little secret behind these records, the real reason why they couldn’t give the name of the artists due to “low royalties”. If the record company was merely putting 20 songs by the original artists on a compilation disc, the company would have owed royalties to the singers, the songwriters, and the music composers. By having a bunch of session singers do these songs, the record company cut out the singer royalties and I wouldn’t be surprised if they saved on some composer royalties with a few changes to the music. So with at least 33% of the royalty money cancelled out, the company would make extra money off of these rediculous records!

The awfulness of these gems would become more apparent as the spot goes on. The cover of “Band on the Run” is just horrendous, and even the instrumentals like “The Entertainer” and “TSOP” sound like they’re being played by that guy in the bad suit selling organs and pianos at the mall.

What’s even more astonishing is the length of this commercial– a whopping two minutes long. So the record company can’t cough up money to the original singers, but they can buy two minutes of airtime to sell this crap? Granted it was probably two minutes of airtime between midnight and 5 a.m., but still… two minutes is two minutes. And because it’s two minutes I feel really bad for the low-income DJ who has the voice this thing. Lord knows he’s not getting paid enough by the cheap bastards running this record company, so all he can do is say “dynamite” every 15 seconds with way too much reverb on his voice.

And speaking of two minutes, what’s with the “order by midnight tomorrow” command? Are these puppies rushing out the door that fast? If I do order by midnight, will you send me a copy of songs done by the original artists? It’s laughable to think anyone actually rushed to the post office with their $6.99 in hand for an 8-track of this garbage. It reminds me of a radio commercial I recently heard telling me listeners with a last name beginning with the letter “A” through “M” should call today, while those starting with “N” through “Z” should call tomorrow. What for? So we can all purchase run-down plots of land in rural Tennessee for $45 an acre in an orderly fashion?

The pop music scene in 1973 was a bad one, littered with some awful tunes as the world waited for the Beatles to get back together again. Instead we got “Seasons in the Sun” ,and the classic(ally bad) cover of it with 19 other pathetic songs on albums like this!

So today I’m having all sorts of problems with my ‘99 Ford Ranger XLT, and in honor of that I decided to take out my anger by dredging up som classic(ally bad) TV spots about Fords. The path took my somewhere unexpected though as Ford is the indirect target of my disdain, and Stadium Ford of Winnipeg, Manitoba, is the direct target for a truly awful commercial.

This “commercial” was done in 1983, although it should have been done in 1963 because clearly this was created by someone who spent way too much time with a Kodak slide carousel. As a producer of commercials, I know every now and then you get that client who just doesn’t have a ton of money to spend so you get by with a low-budget, low-effort commercial. But this… this is just terrible.

It’s bad enough that this is basically a bad slide show, but the fact one of the slides was put in BACKWARDS (the fourth slide after the opening logo) just makes it even worse. After the sixth or seventh shot, the slides just seem to be random shots thrown in. And what’s the deal with the writing? “Stadium’s body shop is simply the best!” Well… geez… thanks… I’m sold! Our nicotine-induced voiceover guy even throws in an “as seen on TV” line; “BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!”

It turns out in 1983, Stadium Ford not only sold cars via a few bad snapshots, they also sold them with the new and exciting world of propane power! It’s tough today to feel bad for automobile drivers 25 years ago who were paying then-record prices for gasoline, especially as we still hover around $3 a gallon nowadays, but propane? I know Canada was especially feeling the pinch at the pump then, but propane is for home heating or for grilling up hamburgers… not for driving your car around town.

WAIT! What’s this I see? Why, it’s a moving picture! Somebody ponied up some money for VIDEO with their commercial and not just a slideshow of boring pictures! Oh wait, whomever ponied up the money only paid about $6.50 for this footage of a guy half-assing a kick of a football off a tee. If Stadium Ford really was “just a punt” away from the north endzone of the Winnipeg football stadium, the guy with the tube socks at the end of the spot didn’t get across the street with his measly squib kick.

The one redeeming part of the commercial is the music. Straight from the archives of “Starsky & Hutch”, or maybe “Debbie Does Dallas”, at least you know you can get your funk on while getting those propane tanks loaded into the back of your K-Car.

It looks like Stadium Ford is long gone, replaced by a Toys R’ Us. It’s a shame, because I really thought 8 X 10’s of a car dealership showing the Randy Bachman-wannabees that worked there would make that place a Winnipeg landmark!

If you thought GAP clothing stores made horrible commercials nowadays, take a look at this snoozer from 1984!

Suffice to say one needs a 5-hour energy boost to sit through that crap again. What the hell was that? And who gave the green light for that spot?

GAP: So what do you have for our newest commercial?

Ad agency: Two twenty-somethings in a cluttered apartment feeding a dog.

GAP: Brilliant! We want it run 14 times an hour on every TV station in America!

Really now, who takes a few copy points or a general idea on what a client wants and churns out this garbage? First, the aforementioned setting of the commercial. Obviously the GAP is trying to portray this romantic couple as the “average customer”, someone who is between the age of 18 and 34 and doesn’t want to dress like their parents. Since 25 is smack dab in the middle of the demo, and I know she’s 25 because she goes out of her way to tell me, the cluttered apartment is supposed to represent the “average” 25-year-old in America in 1984. I guess the GAP didn’t get the memo that there should be an Atari or a Commodore 64 in the background surrounded by discarded cans of spray cheese and bags of Combos.

The spot just starts out with the mother of all ironies; our lovely (presumably 25-year-old) lady tells us she knows how to dress and doesn’t need anyone telling her how to do it. So she finds it appropriate to star in a commercial telling me how to dress myself? Her doofus boyfriend then delivers one of the most bizarre lines in the history of advertising; “We can both get the clothes we feel… (stiff, uncomfortable pause)… comfortable about.” Comfortable about? Are you telling me the clothes you buy elsewhere are uncomfortable? Are you purchasing clothes made of cactus thorns or asbestos? I guess I shouldn’t get too upset at this line simply because the actor delivering it probably isn’t acting any more… and technically never was because his performance is awful here.

Then comes irony, act II: “I don’t need to follow every fashion trend that comes along, or pay a fortune for a label.” HELLO!!! YOU’RE IN A COMMERCIAL FOR THE GAP! THAT’S HOW THEY’VE STAYED OPEN FOR ALL THESE YEARS! The final seven or eight seconds is pure filler… sit around, keep feeding the dog, imply your girlfriend is as close to 34-years-old as she appears to be. Great stuff… I can’t see why the GAP needed ads for swinging khakis after producing this gem.

But hey, neither of these two dopes need to be told what to wear and I guess you shouldn’t either. That’s why I’ve never shopped at the GAP in the first place!

Used car ads from local car lots often offer up some of the best in classic(ally bad) television. So with that in mind, let’s head down to Miami in the late 1960’s and check out some of these babies!

Before I discuss this ad, let me go back and talk it over with my manager…

No year was provided with this commercial, but judging by the years of these cars and the prices I would place this spot as being filmed in 1967 or 1968 (perhaps even 1969). One thing I know for sure though is our pitch man “Jumpin’” Jack O’Brien reeks of the fast-talking and slick selling of one Sam Beauregarde from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. Mr. O’Brien gives us two clues early on that Municipal Auto Sales may not exactly be the “leader in the automobile business in South Florida” like he claims.

First, we notice the man has no common sense or math skills when he says the dealership is open “all day, every day” from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m. While those hours are a little longer than most car dealers, it only amounts to 14 hours a day. Last I checked there are 24 hours in a day, so MAS needs to keep their doors open 10 more hours a day to be truly open all day every day. We then see how cheap of an operation this is when the camera zooms out before the showcase of crappy cars is unveiled. My friend, beware of the car dealer whose sign is two sheets of plywood nailed together! Are you telling me they couldn’t have bought a whole banner or, God forbid, actually painted their info on the side of the building? And what gives with the giant shadow on Mr. O’Brien at the start of the spot? If you’re going to wear a three-piece suit in the hot Florida sun, man up tough guy!

Then we have the parade of old rust buckets rolling in and at first it sounds like MAS has a good deal on a ‘64 Impala with all the bells and whistles not standard on cars then. But when he tries to emphasize his point on how great this car is, he smacks the hell out of it before it drives off (very reminiscent for me of Art Palmi Dodge City commercials here in the Tampa Bay area in the mid 1980’s where the spokesperson would practically punch cars to tell you how good they were). I’ve replayed the spot several times after O’Brien smacks the car and I swear he left a small dent in the body. Then again in the 60s most cars were made with three tons of pure Pittsburgh steel so it would take more than a greasy salesman slapping a car to dent it.

Then one of the most humorous things happens when our next car, a ‘63 Ford Galaxie, pulls up. First of all, the brakes are so shoddy in this garbage can the driver pulls out of the frame. Although, it turns out that may be a good thing since the car right behind nearly rear-ends the Galaxie because its brakes are even worse! O’Brien smacks the car, screams the price, then shows us how bad of a dealership this place is– there’s 100 Fords on the lot!

Then rolls in the Griswold family truckster, a 1960 Ford Ranchwagon, that lurches and slides into position with the rear window in its up position. Whether it was like that because the dealership wanted to show it off, or because it was broken (I’m betting on the latter of the two), is yet to be answered. We can then confirm that this vehicle truly is a piece of crap when O’Brien alerts us of its “low, low” price of $695. Thus you have to wonder if this is one of the three cars featured on this 60-second commercial, what do the remaining 100+ cars on the lot look like?

Then O’Brien realizes he only has six seconds to tag the spot, so like an auctioneer he rambles through the most important part of the spot– the address. Much like our good buddy Dick Reese, he can’t get this right an stumbles on the word “Northwest” preferring to go with “Nothweth”.

To cap off this full minute of pure cheese, we get the wedding DJ send off as O’Brien pukes, “Thank You!”

While writing this I’ve learned a couple of amazing things, outside of the fact I would have never bought a car from MAS. First, like many local car sales men, O’Brien is still a legend in the Miami area. I even found this sort of fan page online. O’Brien is still alive and has apparently survived four heart attacks as he now resides in Tennessee in his early 80s. When he wasn’t selling cars, he was the host of a kid’s TV show on what is now WPLG channel 10. As for MAS, it’s not around any more but the lot was across the street from the original Burger King. I’m assuming the bad commercial bug was contagious in Miami.

If you were born after, oh… 1988, you probably don’t remember when flying on a commercial airline was actually fun! You got real food, you had some leg room in coach, and you weren’t treated like a head of cattle. Let’s head back to those halcyon days of air travel with the ultra-happy stewardess Nancy in this 1982 ad for United Air Lines.

Nowadays commercial airlines fall in to two categories: the luxurious airlines typically aimed at business people (United, Virgin Atlantic, Delta) and discount carriers (Southwest, Spirit, Jet Blue). Twenty-six years ago most airlines were luxurious and affordable, thanks mostly to deregulation in 1978. Everyone was fighting for every passenger, and one way to entice a traveller to your airline was to promote your high-quality service. And that’s where our beloved Nancy comes in.

We’re supposed to drop a few hundred dollars on tickets on United after watching this heart-wrenching first day experience for the newest stewardess. And I have to admit it’s somewhat heart-warming and comical to see Nancy nervously practicing her lines as I’m sure a few rookie flight attendants (as we have to call them nowadays) do on thier first flight.

If you’ve flown on a commercial airline within the past 20 years, you have noticed that most flight attendants (with very few exceptions) are miserable. With that in mind someone who is cheery, friendly, and going out of his or her way to make your flight enjoyable would be greatly appreciated today. But honestly if I had a singing, dancing, and gallavanting Nancy as my flight attendant I’d have to be carried off the plane by U.S. Marshals because I’d be flat out batty after that flight.

I guess the good thing is airlines don’t serve medium steaks or medium hot dogs any more so Nancy doesn’t have a chance to make her bad jokes. I can’t imagine she can doll up a bag of peanuts and five ounces of soda for anything more than what it is– a mere snack. The same goes for champagne (in coach?) and extra ice for your drink. First of all, does anybody actually need more ice in their in-flight drinks? Sometimes you get more ice than drink in your cup, and if you really want more ice most airlines will charge $4 a cube to chill your carbonated beverage. At least we know by the end of the spot Nancy can indeed assist us in getting that ONE stinking ice cube into our nearly empty cup. She just needs to work on her dismount because I think she gloats a bit in the aisle, possibly holding up the line to the bathroom due to medium-cooked hot dogs.

And as charming (albeit annoying) as Nancy is, I have to point out she’s completely oblivious to her co-workers despite the fact she faces them TWICE during her song and dance. Not being seen by your voyeuristic co-workers is one thing, but is Nancy blind to the guy having a heart attack in row eight? What about the poor fool in front of her getting coffee spilled in his lap because she’s in flight attendant la-la land?

In just 60 seconds we’ve seen how the airline industry has changed an awful lot since 1982. Not having the show tune-happy Nancy on my flight, probably a good thing. Having a grumpy guy in a suit name “Rory” passing out pretzels, not exactly an improvement either. Where’s Barbara Billingsley (a.k.a. June Cleaver) when you need her? She can hand out pretzels with a smile and speak jive!

Go to any marketing or business school and they’ll tell you the introduction of New Coke in 1985 was one of the biggest, if not the biggest business gaffes in the history of America. Yet in 1993, Pepsi did damn near the same thing with a colorless, caffeine-less, and honestly tasteless product called Crystal Pepsi. With sales not exactly going through the roof, PepsiCo decided to drag down Pizza Hut too with this not-so-complimentary cross-promotion.

The discussion of how bad Crystal Pepsi actually was can be saved for another day, so let’s talk about this equally awful commercial. The sharp-eyed viewer can tell from the very beginning of this commercial that Crystal Pepsi wasn’t selling too well. I mean, how many bottles of this crap can the poor phone operator at Pizza Hut be surrounded by? I know Pizza Hut and Pepsi were owned by the same company and cross-promotion between the two products was (and still is) quite common, but this poor woman could get seriously hurt if one of the towers of Crystal Pepsi should fall to the ground! But wait… the insanity is just about to begin.

I don’t know which is worse– the impression that everyone calling Pizza Hut actually wants Crystal Pepsi, or that PepsiCo could find a group of even worse actors representing Domino’s. I know they’re trying to make the competition look goofy, but the first actress who answers the phone for Domino’s lays on the valley girl act a little too thick. Then you have a doofus woman, followed by a clueless Asian, and then a guy who looks like he’s 42 and delivering pizzas. Did we get all of the racial and gender stereotypes covered in one swoop or did we leave one out?

After the pitch (2 medium, one-topping pizzas for $11.99… and a bottle of the crap we can’t give away!) the reality of the Crystal Pepsi epidemic sets in as the young man answering the phone somewhat sighs, “Oh yes… we have Crystal Pepsi.” The camera pans to an army of Crystal Pepsi bottles ready for deployment. Consider it a cry for help from corporate America to the general public in a day and age when people would by stupid things like the Flowbee or Zubaz pants.

After the wacky guy with the talking pizza box gleefully tells the person at the other end of the line there’s no Crystal Pepsi in this here Domino’s, we see another Pizza Hut phone rep honestly and shamefully admitting that, “yes we do!” have a ton of these bottles full of zero-taste carbonated garbage and we’re ready to send them with your cheesy pizza! Then we close with the pitch just one more time. Just in case you didn’t get the idea that Pizza Hut had this stuff coming out of their ears and they couldn’t wait to just hand it out to you if you bought two of their greasy pies. Not coincidentally, Domino’s earnings in 1993 picked up after two years of losses.

Amazingly Crystal Pepsi still lives in the hearts and minds of people who really need to expand their horizons as they offer on-line petition websites and tribute websites to “the forgotten cola”. Further proof that anything will sell on E-Bay can be confirmed by typing “Crystal Pepsi” into the search box. When I typed this, an unopened six-pack of the stuff was going for $112!
But for real fun walk away from the computer and call your nearest Pizza Hut store and ask if they have Crystal Pepsi! Something tells me the responses now are a little different than they were 15 years ago.

Some of the “best” classic(ally bad) TV commercials come from small or regional companies featuring a whacked-out spokesperson. If you lived in the New York tri-state area in the late 1970’s or early 1980’s, one of the best whacked-out spokespeople was the man screaming and yelling for Crazy Eddie’s electronics store.

Alright now… honestly… would you buy a TV from this guy? If he walked up to you on the street and started giving you this pitch wouldn’t you start walking the other way very quickly? In the tri-state area Crazy Eddie was king, and the spokesperson isn’t really Crazy Eddie himself. It’s Jerry Carroll, a New York City DJ at WPIX-FM who probably started doing the spots for $50 a pop back in 1975. This particular gem is from 1984, and shows the typical fanaticism Carroll had in making the average electronics store a true giant. After running through 11 or 12 items in 20 seconds, Carroll would promise us Crazy Eddie’s prices were “INSAAAAAAANNNNNEEE!!!” If this ad campaign was used nowadays, people would think anyone buying anything from this store was insane.

The spot starts with Carroll dressed as Santa Clause advertising Christmas specials in December as opposed to the usual “Christmas in August” sales Crazy Eddie’s was known to run. As if Carroll’s delivery isn’t crazy enough, the fact some minimum wage stage flunky has the job of pelting him with fake snow ball after fake snow ball only adds a smoky cheese flavor to this classic(ally bad) spot. As Carroll goes on and on about what’s on sale while snow balls and giant candy canes are thrown his way, the hindsight kicker comes up in the form of a disclaimer.

Crazy Eddie’s wanted you to shop around, find a lower price, then come to Crazy Eddie’s where they would “beat ‘em”. The funny thing is with the incredibly shady criminal history of the owners of the store chain at the time, there’s a good chance Crazy Eddie’s would beat the competition… with a baseball bat over the knee caps.

The grand finale’ features Carroll having to fill the final two or three seconds of the spot with what I would imagine was an impromptu expression of his feelings at the time. I can only picture Carroll standing around in that goofy Santa outfit in a tiny studio for three or four hours taking abuse from stagehands loaded with fake snow balls for only so long. “Hit me! Hit me! HA HA HA!” is what he could muster up before the spot went to dark. It would only be appropriate if he added, “YOU STUPID POOR BASTARDS!” to the rant, unfortunately to have it cut out of the spot. Fortunately, thanks to You Tube, the outtakes still live!

Microwave ovens! Radios! Compact disc players! Rampant fraud! No matter how you slice it, Crazy Eddie was insane AND classic(ally bad)!

Today Billy Mays rules as television’s auctioneer of overpriced crap on infomercials. But in 1985, all you needed was a monotone announcer to sell hundreds of these babies! (Props to FuzzyMemories.TV)

One look at this and you can see even without Mays screaming at you about how great this or that is, “as seen on TV” commercials still use some of the same techniques to sell really useless stuff.

Bad acting: A hallmark for “as seen on TV” ads. Let’s take the poor schmoe at the start of the spot. First of all, he’s a schmoe. I don’t think this guy has ever climbed higher in his career than fry cook at the local McDonald’s. And one can easily see why– the dope figured he could wash his car for just a couple of quarters! Those do-it-yourself car washes has timers on them you imbecile! If you only have 45 seconds to wash your car because you’re too cheap, start scrubbing Skippy! The classic over-acting (punching the machine, throwing the hose down, beating up on his car while pouting) is matched only by the truly awful off-screen acting; the guy who throws a bucket of suds onto the car as our hero is crying. How do you put that on a resume?

TV commercial extra (Power Jet), February 1985
Threw suds on to some moron’s Trans-Am

Hot chick touting the product: Okay, she’s straight out of the Barbara Mandrell factory but even for 1985 she was pretty cute. First, she’s stroking the Power Jet like it’s an Orgasmatron. Second, while she’s loading the Power Jet with soap, you can clearly see her nipples through her shirt. This isn’t merely just leaving the headlights on, someone clearly told her to wear the see-through shirt without a bra. Third, she’s wearing really short, tight shorts. All of this is intentional as the manufacturer, who couldn’t sell this piece of crap based solely on its original purpose (it’s a pressure washer!), wants to distract you so you don’t realize it’s just a pressure washer. I mean, who pressure washes their plants?

Cheesy bonus gifts: In order to make these things more valuable, most manufacturers will throw in an additional whatever it is they’re selling to really make it look like you’re getting your money’s worth. Since nobody can really use two pressure washers, unless you just happen to clean skyscraper windows for a living, the Power Jet people really have to jump through hoops in the bonus department. A free bottle of wax? Okay… not glorious… but it saves me three or four bucks at the store. An on/off switch? Well now! I was on the fence about buying this beauty but that on/off switch just sold me! I want 100 of them!

A very expensive price tag: There’s a very good reason why this stuff is sold on TV– someone is charging a king’s ransom and making a ton of money in the end. Think about this: in 1985 the minimum wage in America was $3.35 per hour. These jokers wanted to charge $17.95 (with postage and handling) for this hunk of junk! That would take (before taxes) about 5 1/3 hours of work! You’d have to work nearly an entire day to get a Power Jet without the hot girl stroking it. And what’s the deal with the fine print… allow two to four weeks delivery? Are they hand-crafting each of these things? Are they carefully testing them by running them over with poor schmoe’s car in a car wash somewhere? It’s coming from MEMPHIS, not Moscow! You have FedEx in your back yard for crying out loud!

Finally, bad writing: What marketing school flunky wrote this mess? “Aren’t you really about tired of this?” What?!?! Did the Redundancy Department of Redundancy approve this copy? After describing the scientific aspects of the product, our announcer casually asks, “Isn’t that great?” Well… no! It’s a pressure washer! WHOOP-DEE-FREAKIN’-DOO!

I guess it’s no ordinary pressure washer… it’s POWER JET! Ask for it by name (and make sure you get the one with the handy-dandy on/off switch)!

Thanks mostly to the late Evel Knievel, daredevils keep raising the bar on outlandish stunts. But have any of these 21st century whippersnappers tried participating in a demolition with a Ford Pinto? I didn’t think so! Socko to the rescue!

First, I really don’t have to point out the irony that REEKS from this spot! A pinto, in a demolition derby? Are you insane?!? But have no fear, Socko’s here! And he even speaks with that creepy Jon Lovitz voice!

Socko first points out the excellent rack-and-pinion steering Pinto has much like it’s foreign counterparts’ cars. I guess that’s good since you certainly don’t want to hit anything while lugging the legendary explosive gas tank around with you. The Pinto, we also learn, has a “snappier” four-speed transmission which to me is like selecting how fiery you want your explosion. First speed is a sparkler, second speed a cherry bomb, third speed a mortar, and fourth speed is a Michael Jackson commercial.

The most important aspect of the Pinto, the brakes, almost gets shoved under the table as Socko merely mentions the brakes are “oversized” before he spins circles while talking about the turning radius. Socko tries to convince us the Pinto’s turning radius is tighter than the foreign competition, but he does this while a mid-1950’s Cheverolet rear-ends another car. I’m sure the folks at Ford consider Chevy a “foreign car” but you’re not pulling the wool over our eyes fellas!

While all of this is going on, you can see our nervous reporter is prepared to toss his cookies (perhaps because he has read the Ford Pinto Memo). When asked if there’s anything else Socko has to say about the Pinto, Socko proudly tells us the Pinto is easy to repair with inexpensive parts like bumpers and fenders. More than 35 years later, it’s safe to say if the ONLY thing you had to repair was a dinged up bumper or scratched fender you should go play the lottery because luck is clearly on your side.

We close with our daring young Socko weaving through the other cars while an announcer declares the Pinto is “hard to hit, easy to fit”. While the Pinto may have been hard to hit, when it did get hit it was unfortunately easy for your family to fit you in the proper-sized casket. With all of the talk about safety as opposed to fuel efficiency or price (two key selling factors by 1970), you have to wonder if Ford really did know something was wrong with this car before they sold it.

Sadly, it appears old Socko and his poor passenger finally bit the dust when they crashed into something at the end of the commercial. Much like the Pinto, Socko crashed and burned into the halls of Classic(ally Bad) TV commercials.

Just in time for Christmas, we’re going to go waaaaaay back… back in the day when cigarette companies could actually advertise on TV. From some time in the late 1950’s or early 1960’s, our friends at Camel cigarettes have the answer to our last-minute Christmas gift needs!

Is it any wonder why cigarette manufacturers were banned from advertising on TV after 1972? Up until then though, the tobacco industry took advantage of the new advertising medium, getting millions of people to start smoking (or keep smoking) with ploys like having doctors claim a certain brand was better than another, or by having some sort of hokey song and dance done to make smoking seem fun and glamorous.

This commercial though goes right to the spot. Our mild-mannered host lets us know having a long list of things to buy for Christmas means you have lots of friends. So how do you reward your buddies Mr. Popular? By giving them a date with cancer! Nothing says, “I appreciate your friendship and all you do for me.” than a bundle of nicotine! If you look past the health issue, giving the “gift” of tar sticks to your friends is just plain cheap and lazy. But Camel makes the convenience of giving cigarettes seem like the key reason why you should invest.

Why the carton of cigarettes is colorful! Red and gold and, most importantly, shiny! That makes the gift more valuable! You don’t even have to wrap it, or tape a label to it you lucky lazy bastard! You can also save a ton of dough by buying these things. Keep in mind this is way before cigarettes were taxed to death, so you only had to spend a couple of bucks on the carton. And that leads me to the biggest crime of all, you have to buy the carton.

We’ve already figured out you’re heartless, lazy, and cheap for buying your friends cigarettes for Christmas. Now we see you’re delusional too! Somehow buying 10 packs makes your purchase a worthy one? Just because something is “cheaper by the dozen” doesn’t make you less of a cheapskate! And by buying the carton, you’re just getting under the cigarette manufacturers’ thumbs you moron! Buy them by the carton so we can make more! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But maybe you want to buy them by the carton, since these appear to be magic cigarettes. When our spokesman tells us about the “choice, quality tobacco” about 46 seconds into the commercial, you’ll notice the cigarette is sucking in the smoke and not blowing it out! It’s a cigarette smoking itself! How freaky is that?

So remember this Christmas, make it “Camel time”… and not “Hammer time”. Can’t touch this, yo.