The Affari Blog

On the heels of one of the worst testimonial commercials, featuring a couple of nobodies selling color TVs, we’ll take a look at a legitimate star selling a (then) not-so-legitimate product.

The year was 1993, and “Sir” Charles Barkley was at the peak of his career and his commercial sellability. And at first, this commercial is actually very clever. In 1993, basketball shoes were all the rage and during the previous three or four years Americans were bombarded with commercials from Nike, Reebok, L.A. Gear, Adidas, and many other brands. So the, “here’s another shoe commercial…” line is pretty ingenious. The ensuing, “Oh this is new…” line is also good. Then we see the product– a Hyundai.

Nowadays Hyundais are actually decent, affordable cars. But up until five or six years ago, Hyundai was producing one undependable turd after another… and they had been doing so for almost 20 years. We’re instantly reminded about this as the voice-over (identified on You Tube as Jeff Goldblum) spouts off all the good things about the car. Written in small letters at the bottom of the screen; “ABS, CD, leather optional on GLS models”. So you not only had to ask for these bells and whistles, you had to ask for them on the GLS model!

Then comes the funniest line; “More room than a Lexus.” Really now… when you’re shopping for a car, when does the final decision come down to a Hyundai or a Lexus? When does somebody shopping for a Lexus, or a Lexus-style car, put the nearby Hyundai dealer on the list of places to shop? And since when does somebody in the market for a Hyundai think, “I should check out that Lexus dealer, where the much better cars sell for five times as this piece of crap!”

Then we reach out to our for the star power, Barkley’s cute thuggery we all came to respect and molded the current NBA after. The funny thing is Barkley would need a shoe horn to squeeze into an actual ‘93 Hyundai Sonata. Barkley was 6-foot-6 and 252 pounds! According to Edmunds, the Sonata had a front leg room of 42.4 inches while also having head room of 38.5 inches. Add that up, that’s 80.9 inches or just under 6 feet, 9 inches of space. I hope Sir Charles doesn’t drive over any speed bumps or pot holes.

While it seems laughable at the idea of Barkley driving around town in a Hyundai Sonata, based on reports of his recent gambling debts he may be doing just that today. So I suppose this may be one of the best testimonials for a product, as pathetic as that product may be.

And no Charles, I don’t have a problem with that!

Testimonials are very helpful in selling items, especially if it’s a celebrity testimonial. Having a bonafide star say, “Buy this product.” often nets results for the advertiser. But what if you have a not-so-bonafide star selling an item? In fact, what if you have really boring everyday people selling an item? Then you get this train wreck!

My first thought when I saw this was, “Dick Reese has a challenge here!” Mr. Reese is the ultimate example of why everyday people shouldn’t sell something on TV. This commercial is a close second. If you’re still interested in purchasing that RCA TV after listening to the somnabulant TV repair man, then you’re a stronger person than I am. I don’t care if the guy has been fixing TV sets for 23 years, and I don’t care how sharp he thinks the picture is, how did the advertising agency pick this guy to represent how good the TV was? When the announcer notes, “That was one TV expert…” you have to wonder what happened to the others? How did the droning curmudgeon with the tiny tie and the big hair become the RCA spokesman?

We can only guess that answer because very few people are willing to step up and say they’re proud owners of an RCA. In fact, our “experts” have been reduced to a cheesey graphic. Engineers, producers, cameramen, have been boiled down into a hard-to-read color bar with “RCA” popping up next to their trade. Our announcer invites us to, “think about it”. I did, and I’m not buying this whole expert hooey! But wait! We have another expert! What well-known TV or movie star is this?

Why, it’s Lou Horwitz! You know, Lou Horwitz! You don’t know who Lou Horwitz is? He’s not just any Lou Horwitz, he’s TV Cameraman Lou Horwitz! And the colors on that RCA just reach out and grab his eye! Much like his polyester jump suit makes me want to grab my eyes and pull them out!

If it isn’t RCA, it isn’t XL-100. And if it isn’t Ken Michelbach or Lou Horwitz, it isn’t a classic(ally bad) TV commercial!

It’s Christmas in June! No, it’s not a Crazy Eddie sales stunt… it’s a trip across the pond to jolly old England in 1958. It’s never too early to get that Christmas shopping started, and thankfully we have a second-hand Santa giving us those yuletide ideas in the summertime!

Well I can’t agree more with the high-pitched singers and our young Santa with the taped-on beard. If I want to give happiness, I don’t give money, or a new house, or a Christmas bonus to my employees. No, I give vacuum cleaners, polishers, and spinarinses… whatever the hell those are.

At the very least this shows us how post-war Britain was rebuilding with the standard comforts of home. But it also shows us the very different home scene in 1958, where the housewife was supposed to be happy with her shiny new Hoover steam iron. Is it any wonder why the British Invasion of music started, followed closely behind by the “Swinging London” way of life in the 1960’s? Happiness was a freaking appliance!

And our poor man’s Santa reminds us that Hoover happiness last for years. Imagine that… you not only get the happiness of getting a stinking floor buffer as a Christmas gift, you get the happiness of lugging that thing around the house for years! Everytime you buff those scuff marks off the linoleum, be happy! And why shouldn’t you be happy? After all, the jolly old man taking notes at the appliance yard sale with the giant pencil you had in the 3rd grade says so. Enough said!

When happiness comes from a Hoover, life has simply gone from “suck” to “blow”.

It’s 1990, not long ago when you think about it. There was no Internet, cell phones were the size of bricks, and your cable company gave you just 48 channels. It’s amazing how technology has changed in those 18 years, and it’s even more amazing that a “portable” computer at that time was the size of the New York City Yellow Pages. The computers also had just as much memory as those phone books… as did the people that used them!

Today, the Mac vs. PC war is represented by those humorous ads featuring the cool and artsy Mac guy and the stiff and clumsy PC guy. In 1990 though, the difference between the two was slim. Apple had dominated the home computer market in the 1980’s, but when the 1990’s rolled around the PC (i.e. Windows) computers were becoming more popular. Looking to take the lead in the business community, a market IBM had held for decades, Apple tried to make their 25-pound portable computer cooler than the competition’s. That’s where the coolness of Apple died.

Of course the size and ability of a portable computer then compared to computers now is laughable. It’s hard to believe people would pay thousands of dollars for these things, but it was new technology then and I’m sure 18 years from now people will chuckle when they look at our laptops and iPhones from today. But once you get past the technology gap, the true message of the commercial is revealed. The portable Mac of 1990 was designed precisely for stupid people. The successful business man who could speak seven languages somehow isn’t successful with his PC laptop. How he got this far is beyond me. The woman toying around with the portable Mac readily admits she’s an idiot, and I’m guessing she’s playing around with her computer simply because it has pictures and stacks of coins on the display. I have a hunch she designed that solitaire game people play when they’re bored.

It is because of this sales angle Mac suffered greatly in the 90’s while the PC market (especially Windows-based computers) took off. Computers were becoming more and more necessary in the 90’s, and Windows made PC’s look very business-like while also being fun and easy to use. Basically, PC’s were the mechanical pencils of the computer world while Macs became the box of crayons. Let’s not forget the big breakthrough with the Mac in the late 90’s was you could get one in your favorite color. Since Steve Jobs was able to build up from that ho-hum announcement to once again dominate the computer market for tech-savvy people, I’m wondering if he can walk on water.

In 1990 he couldn’t, and neither could the confused young lady at the airport in this commercial. She could stack coins and make pictures on her computer, and at that point in time that was amazing enough.

Of course I mean the early years, as McDonald’s didn’t get around to really selling salads until a few years ago. In 1963, McDonald’s had to sell itself to kids, and what better way than with a creepy clown!

It’s hard to say the first Ronald McDonald commercial is “classic(ally bad)”, but it is. Ronald McDonald has become a global icon in the 45 years he’s existed, but like any other icon the first few years of his existence were rough at best. What has become a very polished icon started as the brainchild of TV weather man Willard Scott. Before Scott himself became famous for his appearances on NBC’s Today Show, he was a disc jockey in the Washington D.C. area. Asked to come up with a kid-friendly character to help sell hamburgers to young’ ens, Scott based his character on Bozo the Clown, whom he also played the role of on a Washington-area TV station. What evolved was a creative, yet odd character.

The Ronald McDonald we see here reminds me of the “creepy clown factor” referred to in the background of a current E-Trade commercial. I know 1963 was a much simpler time in television production, but how many trash cans did Scott dig through to come up with this costume? The red and yellow-striped uniform makes sense because he is a clown. But the TV dinner tray on his head? And a dinner tray wrapped around his belt? And a paper cup on his nose? Come on now… this clown has suddenly turned himself into a masquerading homeless guy.

The “magical tray” was no big deal, simply because it’s old-fashioned special effects. But the most disturbing part of Ronald’s getup is how he has fun… by pulling his own finger several times. Now our masquerading homeless guy has turned into every family’s overweight drunk uncle playing with the kids. He even dances like that uncle when “Cha-Cha Slide” comes on the radio, further embarrassing the family members. “Oh there goes Uncle Milton again, making an ass out of himself! When will he ever grow up?”

Ronald is all nice and clean and perfect nowadays thanks to corporate oversight. It’s amazing how he has changed so much, and it’s even more amazing to see the old Ronald didn’t somehow end up running the bumper cars at local county fairs.

So a lot has happened over the past month since my last post. I went exploring in the front room, the floors are now level and most of the walls are now cracked. Luckily, we’ll be replacing all walls within the next month. This entry will also include several pictures of some of the exploration and renovations that have been taking place.

Since he don’t have pictures of the foundation repair as of yet, I’ve decided to include a few images of my building contributions. I took it upon myself to remove two wooden panels that seemed somewhat out of place in our front room. With some simple tools and a little elbow grease, I successfully removed the panels, revealing a pretty cool piece of the building: two built-in shelves that added to the building’s 1920s character!

The First Panel

Not sure which was more interesting: the custom shelving, or the smell.

Shelf no. 1

After I took care of the clean up the shelf looked great. Once we start on the interior, we will fully restore it!

Taking on the Second Panel

A few days after removing the first panel, my obsessive-compulsive side checked-in. I finally couldn’t take having one panel on and one panel off. Plus, I’m pretty sure I would have gone crazy if I didn’t see what was behind this wall.

Panel Pry-ing

This panel was a bit more stingy. I had to chissle away most of the wood - but it’s fun getting your hands dirty around the office once in a while.

Sneak Peak

Here’s a pretty cool shot taken by Dave that came out great. I especially like that a shard from the panel remained in the foreground. That’s a plastic toy-horse on the shelf that’s obviously been there for a while.

Stay posted - more picture, adventures and updates are coming soon!

Oh thank heaven for one of my favorite websites, Birmingham Rewound, for this gem from 1977. It’s from back in the day when newspapers were actually useful! And this charming couple apparently puts The Birmingham News to use for everything. They… just… can’t… live… without it!

Founded in 1888, The Birmingham News was (and still is) the top paper produced in Birmingham, Alabama. And before the days of the Internet ad 24-hour news channels, people were informed and entertained by what was in the newspaper. This couple, however, takes that too far as their copy of the News tells them what to do as if The Son of Sam was writing it himself.

We start in some trendy Birmingham mall where the man and woman are looking for something advertised in the paper, and we’re looking at the mall once they pass by the camera because someone forgot to move the camera. Or a more likely scenario, someone forgot to flesh this whole commercial idea out so we’re left with 25 seconds of material for a 30-second commercial. Time to stretch! Leave that establishing shot up for a few extra seconds, Phil! So after we ponder for a while staring at other shoppers milling about, we meet up with our wonderful couple again. They’ve found what they’re looking for: a giant orange tent! Oh wait, it’s 1977… that’s a dress! A really big, bright, orange dress! How tall is this woman? There must be eight feet of material on that hanger. In the meantime, our jingle singer tries to make us believe the News has a “passion for fashion” when clearly they don’t. It’s even more obvious they have no idea “what’s in and what’s out” as the woman laughs at her husband’s sports coat. Not that she has any room to laugh since just seconds ago she was fawning over a set of orange drapes she thought was a dress. I’m starting to wonder if perhaps the News convinced our old buddy Dick Reese where to buy his suits, but I digress…

Apparently our smitten couple have decided to purchase the Garfield outfit, and with the missus flaunting about the living room the poor husband reluctantly puts down his news paper so she can show off this fashion disaster in public. Honey! Let’s go to dinner! And they do, to a nice establishment that serves wine in three-gallon goblets. Reinforcing the idea there was only 25 seconds of material for this 30-second commercial, our lovers stare into each other’s eyes for waaaaaaay to long. Because the creator of this commercial couldn’t come up with anything better, these two have to mutter things back and forth like, “I love you”, “No really, I love you, I do”, and, “Are we done shooting this yet?” And then we fade to black, like most newspapers today are doing (although they’re going in the red, not black).

The News is still available when you are, even if you like to buy awful clothes and deliver sermons to your loved one while toasting your dinner at a fancy-schmantzy restaurant.

And when I say “brats” I don’t mean delicious bratwurst boiled in beer then thrown on a grill. What I do mean is these two brats who demand their own type of chicken! Thankfully for these two twerps, and their doting mom, Kentucky Fried Chicken could take care of their needs, even in 1978!

In the 30 years since this commercial was made, fast food selection has changed tremendously. It’s laughable nowadays to even think the tough choice of original recipe or extra crispy was the only tough choice a KFC customer had to make. But it’s true, and KFC went out of its way to let stressed out moms know that when your Veruca Salt-like kids demanded chicken their way they got it!

So the idea of this commercial is bad enough to begin with, and now we’ll add some horrific acting to the mix! First, what’s with the awkward three seconds of silence at the beginning of the spot? Whoever edited this thing didn’t quite grasp the concept of “tightening up” the action. The only thing missing from the start of the commercial is the director yelling, “ACTION!” But perhaps the silence would be welcome after hearing these little pipsqueaks scream out their order. And as if our tone-deaf counter clerk didn’t understand Frick and Frack’s yelling, mom repeats the order with the girls’ names thrown in. If I were the clerk, I’d say, “Lady, I don’t give a rat’s arse what your kids’ names are, just tell them to stop yelling at me! One wants original and one wants extra crispy! I GET IT!” But our clerk doesn’t get it, giving us a look as if the kids spoke to her in Japanese. You can almost see her thinking, “Uh oh… I don’t know if I can put original in one box and extra crispy in the other. I think I’ll have to get my manager!” Then again it looks like she’s about 34, and at that age she really shouldn’t be working the counter at KFC.

Our clerk shows her dimwittedness again just moments later when she hands the wrong box of chicken to the wrong kid. Still I can only blame the mother for this since we really didn’t need to know her kids’ names, but in this event the clerk should just present both boxes and ask for the money from mom. Let these two back of the airline seat kickers figure out whose dinner is in which box. Besides, one box has “EXTRA CRISPY” branded on it like it came from the CIA.

The kids eventually did figure out which was which, and as our heart-warming jingle lets us know it’s so good to feel good about a meal, mom stares at the kids as they wolf down their KFC. That brings me to another concern– these kids are already irritating, and soon they will grow up to be FAT and irritating! How old are these kids? Five, maybe six-years-old? Why the hell is their mother giving them whole boxes of chicken to eat? You saw the close-up, a breast and drumstick along with a fat buttery biscuit. Remember, this is when KFC unabashedly called themselves Kentucky Fried Chicken because nobody cared about unhealthy fried foods. Today KFC is shifting back to the Kentucky Fried Chicken moniker, mostly because they are leaving out the trans-fats and cooking food in healthier oil. Still, according to their own nutrition guide, the meal the girls are eating is loaded with calories and fat. The original recipe box contains about 710 calories and a whopping 40 grams of fat (or roughly 61% of the recommended daily allowance). The extra crispy isn’t much better (700/66/74%), and with all the sodium these kids are inhaling it’s only a matter of time before nearby deer use them as salt licks.

The kids are all grown up now, and I’m sure they feel good about that delicious meal they inhaled in the back of their mom’s car. Mom is probably paying outrageous medical bills for their daughters, but that’s okay because they got what they asked for at Kentucky Fried Chicken! Even with the assistance of a knucklehead behind the counter!

Home video game units were all the rage in America in the early 1980’s, so it didn’t take much to sell them. That’s what Toys ‘R Us thought in this 1981 commercial featuring the once-funny Arte Johnson.

Again, it didn’t take much to sell the Atari 2600 back in 1981, but this commercial is just plain awful. I guess it just shows how easy it was to sell these things back then! How did that creative meeting at the ad agency go?

Agency head: So what do we have for the Toys ‘R Us Atari spot?

Agency employee: A comdeian most people have forgot speaking in a bad German accent while mumbling about the product.

Agency head: A forgotten comedian? Jo Ann Worley?

Agency employee: No, Arte Johnson.

Agency head: Even better! And you still have the Laugh-In connection! I love it! Shoot it this Thursday!

Nevermind people spent $139 on the 2600, or that “Asteroids 101″ is the first game to tackle before spending $20 or $30 on some other goofy game, but who thought Johnson would connect well with the target audience– teenagers? This is a guy who had nothing worthwhile in ten years, which may explain why he’s doing Toys ‘R Us commercials dressed like the grandfather of Dr. Strangelove.

As if the awful German schtick wasn’t bad enough, someone actually let Johnson tell a joke… or at least try to tell one. “Can I have some of your seed?” WHAT?!? Who approved of that? Please tell me that was just improv and not actually written. Then again, if it was improv, what did the outtakes consist of? Was this really the best option? Maybe the East Germans broke down the Berlin Wall eight years later to hunt down this character and beat him down for such awful punchlines.

Interestingly, the air in Atari’s sails dissipated in the early 1980’s. Some blame the growth of the personal computer industry, others blame the video game crash of 1983. But after watching this trainwreck, I’d put my money on this commercial for killing the goose that laid the golden egg.

With the space race in full swing and science-fiction all the rage in 1961, it’s only appropriate that kids would be thrilled by a giant alien kinda-thingy as a toy. It’s not The Great Gazoo… it’s The Great Garloo!

At first it almost seems like you’re watching an old sci-fi movie as alot of the tricks of the trade are being used in this commercial: scale models with creatures only two-feet tall causing all of the havoc. Then we see the ultimately scary face of the Great Garloo! Upon further review I think the look of the Great Garloo was based on childhood photos of New Jersey Devils general manager Lou Lamoriello, but I digress…

After watching some unrealistic situations where a kid could use Garloo, we go to the realistic situations at home. Or are they realistic? Would most little boys use the battery-powered (hard-wired!) controls to do things like pick up his little sister’s doll? I mean Garloo was just lifting up railroad bridges and knocking down power lines. Now he’s babysitting? What?!? Most boys might pick up the doll, only to place it into the oven or an open flame.

After doing that, most little sisters wouldn’t kiss Garloo. Those who would, I can only imagine the type of husband they ended up marrying (perhaps the next “Mrs. Lamoriello”?). And what… umm… partner will the little boy end up with after sipping tea with his little sister? Somehow Garloo doesn’t seem so vicious when he’s picking up dolls and tea cups.

Ahh! But back to the testosterone! DESTRUCTION! No railroad bridge is safe from the Great Garloo! And no bank account is either! Could you believe this thing went for $17.98 in 1961? Minimum wage was $1.15 an hour. That means it took 15.63 hours (pre-tax) to buy this friggin’ thing! That’s about two days of work all so little Jimmy can pick up his sister’s tea cups. With the average income at $5,315 then, the average worker brought a home a check of just over $204 every week.

So kids… the only way you can control the Great Garloo is if your mommy and daddy are rich! And the situation is the same almost 50 years later as Garloo sells for $300 on E-Bay. So you can control the Great Garloo as long as you don’t mind living without the Internet or phone for a couple of months. It’s so maddening, it makes me want to destroy a railroad bridge!